Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seductively sings in Klingon.

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists