Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
what’s the point then??
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My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too