Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

*exercises sarcastically*

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend