Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
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*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.