Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
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Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Hell yeah 👍
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.