Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.