Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Ron is short for Aaronald
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
