Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

All food is good if you spell it wrong

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.