Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
You Might Also Like
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard