Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

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I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.


Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down

Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in

Now out

Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about


ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.


My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.


if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down


Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good


My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.


“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.


[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]


I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor