@QwertyJones3

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

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@lexclem

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

@LionJenkins

Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down

Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in

Now out

Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about

@1followernodad

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

@errdayhustlah

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

@jonnysun

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

@Marlebean

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

@LeiaMarieG

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

@AaronFullerton

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

@KeetPotato

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

@envydatropic

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor