Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
You better wish for more oil
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
my favorite gender
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
im 7 sauces long
