Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
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If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
They’re called werewolves.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
OKAY DAD
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees