just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
#Thanos #MondayMood
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Can confirm.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*