just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
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(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
looks legit
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~