just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.