Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
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Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention