Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
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[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
welp
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.