Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
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[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I don’t think my car can fly
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”