Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?