Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.