Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

sometimes we need to be reminded

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.