Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.