Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
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Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.