just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
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Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.