just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
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Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Europe. Made in Germany.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.