just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
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If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
*limbos under the caution tape
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?