just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House