Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂