Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

having children is a pyramid scheme.

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!