Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err