Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
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ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
my dad has had enough
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer