Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.