Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
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[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.