Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
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[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.