Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
You Might Also Like
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast