Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The internet is magic sometimes.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.