Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Education is vital

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”