Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

School be like

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.