Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

Spotted in the wild

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.