just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
You Might Also Like
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
who will stop them
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
wow
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango