Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
When I laugh on my period
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.