Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

Xylophonist Shredding It

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward