Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
😂 amazing answer
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.