Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

ㅤ

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.