Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
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Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I’m giving up ice.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog