Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.