Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
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Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!