Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
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wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.