Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
never deleting this app.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.