I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.
You Might Also Like
Wife leaves: Ok.
Wifi leaves: NOOOOOOOOOO. I can change!
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Me: I was sober for 12 years
AA Director: What happened ?
Me: I turned 13….
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
66% of being a woman is just hiding the remote when you’re mad
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water