Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.

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“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.


Me: I was sober for 12 years

AA Director: What happened ?

Me: I turned 13….


society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet


society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows


Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?


Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.


Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water