“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
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[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Swedish for common sense.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
waiting for halloween be like:
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.