Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
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told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
This kid is a star!
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.