Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

buying dead houseplants to save time

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart