Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.