Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
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When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.