Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.