Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
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They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet