Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.