Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
You Might Also Like
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Today’s tshirt
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Tier 3 meme
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.