Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

ㅤ

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.