wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
You Might Also Like
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
*limbos under the caution tape
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse