@ryaninco

Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.

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@naughty_aditi

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

@RidiculousSheri

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

@trevso_electric

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

@drinksmcgee

I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.

@ClichedOut

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

@tonyposnanski

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

@mydmac

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

@KiaraJeanine

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.