[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
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The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
The lion king: 馃幎it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i鈥檝e just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there鈥檚 a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
There are usually two types of merchants.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I鈥檓 here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.馃寧鉂わ笍
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
2019: Keep the change
(because I鈥檓 generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I鈥檓 not touching that)
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
i have a lot to offer! most of it鈥檚 bad but it鈥檚 still a lot
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”