just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.