just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
what’s the point then??
No good deed goes unposted on social media.