Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
work smarter, not harder
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.