Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

learning about math 🧐 📝

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Feels

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?