Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

[montage of me giving-up]

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.