just gave your address to some spiders
You Might Also Like
how was your vacation
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
This is hilarious….
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me trying to “trust the process”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.