just gave your address to some spiders
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Body by cheese-puffs.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Look Ma, no handle on things
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
is nasa ok
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage