Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I am crying

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.