“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
You Might Also Like
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
wait.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Bringing home a sharpie
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused